I’ve been feeling a little disgruntled lately.. Don’t we all sometimes? SA1 exams are coming next week. Coincidentally, so are my own SIM exams. I have been struggling to ensure that I finish the syllabus before then.. Not to mention I have my own studying to do… I have been moving at about 100 km/h lately and I’m at the stage where I am doing things for the sake of it.. Inevitably, that magic question pops up in my head: “What am I doing all this for?”
This year has been tough. Is it just me or are my pupils really challenging this year? Besides having 41 hyperactive pupils who seem to be possessed by some sort of unearthly beings everytime they are in the classroom, the volume of work expected of them is simply ridiculous. They are in Primary 3 and the amount of books, worksheets and projects that they have to complete is simpy “outstanding”. I can see the spirit dying in some of the pupils and it pains me to see that there’s nothing much I can do about it except continuously feeding the work to them without any mercy.
This is not what I signed up for. I wanted to help these kids become useful individuals to society, not turn them into efficient, lifeless zombies that we are currently churning out to great effect. Sometimes I wonder how I would fare in our current education system if I were still in school. A lot is expected of the pupils these days and at times I feel they act up because they are stressed out at what is expected of them. It is really tough to see pupils who struggle to catch up, experiencing failure after failure. I’ve been trying all sorts of measures to help stem the slide but the more they try, the more they slide.
For the first time in recent times, I question my ability as a teacher. Have I become a bad educator overnight? What am I doing wrong? I have always enjoyed planning and executing unique, engaging and creative lessons for my pupils’ learning and enjoyment. However, I have not been able to carry out such lessons lately because I am so focused on completing the syllabus that I steam forward without considering whether my pupils understand what is being taught. The words uttered to me by my colleagues still ring in my ear: “Finish the syllabus. Cover your backside so that the parents cannot say that you did not teach the pupil well.”
Does merely completing the requirement equate to teaching the pupil? Does that mean we just go through motions without considering those who cannot cope with the rigorous demands of modern day education? Shall we continue moulding elite students and accept those who fall by the way side as acceptable losses? Do I do what is expected so that I continue maintaining a credible performance grade, thus avoiding my rice bowl to be disrupted?
Disillusioned, demoralized and unmotivated. That is what I’ve been feeling lately, causing me to almost drag myself to work for the first time eversince I took the oath to become a teacher. I came to a realization that I have become the very teacher that I vowed not to become.
However, yesterday, I sat down and thought about the reasons why I do things in life.
Why did I choose to become a teacher?
To make a difference in the life of others and mould them to become exemplary, morally upright, resilient and intelligent individuals who will be assets to their families and society at large.
Why did I choose to take up my Bachelors?
To open up my mind and attain a higher level of intelligence. To attain a new perspective and in the process, elevate myself to a higher purpose and existence to benefit myself and those who live around me.
Through my thoughts, I realize that I have lost focus of what I want in life. I have been so caught up in routine that I forget to tap on the reasons that motivate me to do what I do. I remember telling myself a few years back that life will be tough and it will be challenging. However, I did make a vow to myself that I will see it through and complete the journey, no matter how hard it gets. I stopped focusing on the wrong things that are going on and instead, I looked at the positives, no matter how small and insignificant they may appear.
This day, I went to school full of purpose and with a renewed sense of hope. Things around me may not change anytime soon and the powers at be may not get the real picture in the near future, but as an individual I can be an agent of change. By readjusting my mind and with a prayer to Allah Almighty, things clicked into gear today. The pupils were better behaved. I achieved more things in class and work was a breeze. It was no longer a chore. Coincidence? Or is it the power of the mind playing its part.
One thing for sure, I’m ready to step forward into the future and I believe I can.
I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky.
I think about it every night and day. Spread my wings and fly away.
I believe I can soar. I see me running through that open door.
I believe I can fly. I believe I can fly.
I believe I can fly!
