Kai…

It’s the end of June of the year 2009. Time to reflect on the first 6 months of the year…

Work has been particularly rough. When I first entered teaching, many people warned me, “It’s not what you expect, Kai.” 2 years after my official posting, I understand what they meant by that. Teaching nowadays is not really about teaching the pupils. Of the time I spend on work (at school and at home), maybe 20% is dedicated to actual classroom teaching. The reason I signed up to become a teacher is to help the children grow, teach them and mould them into useful individuals.

After a few years, I can’t help but feel DISILLUSIONED. I rarely have time for myself. Studying part-time has been difficult too. Between teaching, training the Sepaktakraw boys, setting worksheets and exam papers, marking at school, marking at home (until 10-11pm at times), doing uniSIM assignments and studying, I don’t have much time for anything else. Not that I allow myself to be reduced to such a state. I have tried my very best to maintain some type of social life, so that I remain sane. But, inevitably, something is going to be affected. In my case, it’s my productivity at work. To be honest, I am losing my interest in it. I only put in effort into things like really matter, like the well-being of my pupils. I tend to put other administrative matters and school projects on the back-burner. Unfortunately, this has led to some people at school seeing me as lazy and uncooperative. You got to love the mentality some of my senior colleagues have.

“You can do it, after all you are a single man. You need to build up your portfolio and build your career at this time.”

Teaching is a noble career and through it all, teachers continue to earn my respect. Time and again, I look at my colleagues slogging away and I ask myself, “How do they do it?” More interestingly, I’d ask myself, “Why can’t I be the same?”

Lazy? Maybe they are right…

This reminds me of an encounter I had with Jaz’s manager. He’s another man I respect. Confident and one of the few Malay-Muslims in Singapore who I consider really successful. But I can’t help but take offense to what he said to me a few weeks back. He was asking me when will I come back to the insurance business. There was nothing wrong with that but what he said after that took me aback. He said, “Nowhere in the Holy Quran was it stated that rezeki comes from being a teacher.” I was too stunned to say anything in reply. Sure, I am not going to be rich being a teacher, but why do people keep thinking that I am motivated by money? And the way he said it, it was like he was belittling my efforts as a teacher. I admire enterprising people and their pursuit for financial freedom but why do these people always talk down to folks like us who get by on a fixed income?

Fixed income = fixed minds.
People who live on fixed income are afraid of challenge.
and many more stuff that I have heard over the years…

Why do most people who are self-employed have this superiority complex over others? Always thinking they are better than the general public just because they are the 20% who will hold 80% if the world’s riches. Maybe I’m overreacting and took his words the wrong way but this frustration is real.

Where’s the mutual respect? I don’t go around telling people that all these self-employed people are just ruthless, heartless and greedy people who are only interested in fattening their bank accounts at the expense of fixed-income folks like me. They operate under the guise that they are supposedly out to help others. The sort who will tell people, “I only want to help” but chuckle to themselves when they think of the commission they earn by selling your house and buying that policy, even though they know it might not be in their clients’ best interests?

Not all self-employed are like that but trust me, there are people who are like that. I’ve been in the business for a short while and I’ve encountered agents like that. They’d do all sorts of things to get you to sign and when you do sign, they talk among themselves and remark on how “little” our thinking are.

“We are the cream of society. We refuse to conform.”

Oh, I hate that smirk whenever someone comes to me and say, “Oh, you’re ANOTHER teacher…” Let’s not even talk what is the usual occupation of the speaker.

Studies has been challenging too. I’m investing $4000 per year to get my Bachelor’s. People ask me, what do I do it for? I’ve always wanted to be a graduate. It’s one of those things that my parents want to see when I first started out as a bright-eyed pupil. It’s a sense of accomplishment that I need to achieve. Of course, it would help me earn a better pay by getting emplaced and yes, it is a conventional method of moving up in life. But to me, it’s more than that. It’s about opening up my mind, learning to me is more than just the paper chase. I had intended to stay in teaching for a long time, but now I’m thinking of stepping out and doing something on my own. Something that will benefit young minds. Something that will not require me to bow down to people’s expectations.

But even one year down the road hold many mysteries. Amidst all the madness and craziness, I have found Yun. One who makes sense of all the madness that goes on around me. Her calmness rubs off on me. There’s so much that she does just by being with me. She stays true to herself and her dreams. She just wants to do what she loves. Making accessories, painting and creating various works of art. Selling them online to those who appreciate it. I’ve known her for almost a year and it’s so hard to see a shred of hatred in her. She’s always smiling and makes me so geram! She met my parents yesterday and it was great to see that she was enjoying herself. I’m sure my parents enjoyed her company as well. Looking forward to our relationship blossoming and reaching great heights. One poignant thing that I have learned this year is the need to maintain patience and rationality. In the past, I have let my emotions get the better of me at times. Now, I’ve learned to relax and more importantly, talk things through. Something happened this past week that had me fearing the worst, but I’m glad that things were sorted out and that things have become stronger eversince. Alhamdullilah.

So looking forward to the remainder of the year. I’ve a few things that I want to focus on (in no particular order, they are all important).
1- Get back my passion and harness it so that I can finish this year in education in a flourish.
2- Get healthy again. Eat wisely and exercise regularly and get the knee fixed.
3- Prioritize and dedicate my time to ventures that are worth it.
4- Pick up a new hobby, like photography. Get involved in Toastmasters again.
5- Come up with a sound 12 month plan to prepare for my likely departure form teaching.
6- Improve ties with the people who matter in my life. OK, I think this is the most important matter to me.

Think all that should keep me occupied. Now it’s time to FOCUS….

It’s been 2 weeks since I had my injury. Most of the swelling has gone down and I am getting a clearer picture of how the knee is like. Walking is fine, alhamdullilah. Have not pushed the knee to its limits yet. Don’t think it’s time to do that anyway. Experiencing some pain at the back of my knee whenever I bend it. Don’t remember having that on previous occassions. Is it possible that I have damaged even more ligaments and tendons this time around.

Been doing some simple exercises. First, to strengthen the knee and second, just to get active again. Realize a major problem to my recovery has been my ballooning weight. I’m at 90+ kilos now. Yup, 90+. To think I was about 80 kg a year back. Somehow the pounds keep piling on regardless of my efforts of dieting and exercising. That’s a lot of weight for my knees to carry. Went swimming on Monday, gym on Tuesday, took a rest on Wednesday and did some stair-climbing today. Think the knee has been holding up pretty well. One step at a time, I’ll get there.

Think it’s important to shed those kilos first. But it’s difficult since the only effective method for me has been jogging. Since I should avoid high-impact exercises, that is definitely out. All this inactivity is only going to make me gain more weight. Need to find alternatives quick. Low intesity, low impact, sustained aerobic workout is what I need. 30 minutes each session, 4 times a week. That’s my target. Luckily I’m on school break now. I wonder how this will all fit into my working schedule. It’s not an option, it’s something I need to do.

Going to start seeking out treatments from tomorrow onwards. First stop will be TCM at Yishun. Acupuncture or massage perhaps? Delia told me that under the terms of my Personal Accident Plan, I can claim up to $1000 for TCM treatments and $4000 for Western-method treatments. This is why I recommend Personal Accident Plans for players as injury-prone as myself. I really want to make sure I recover from this. No holding back. Do everything that is necessary. I can’t do it again if I suffer a relapse. Might as well do it properly now.

No matter how long it takes, I’ll get it done. Think long-term. I still need to use this knee for a long time.

A few days ago, I got an sms from Raizal asking me if I were going to KL to catch Manchester United’s Asian tour. He also asked if I were going there to catch Ronaldo’s last game for United. I remember telling him, “Personally, I hope he’s gone by then.” That seems almost prophetical given the announcement of his impending move to Real Madrid. The move did not take many United fans by surprise, given how he has been lobbying for a move to Real all season. More interestingly, many people are not too bothered about him leaving the team.

Ronaldo is an awesome player. Still only 24, there are many more fantastic years ahead of him. He has not even entered his peak. Scary prospect for many opposing defenders. Therefore, why would Fergie let him go? I think it’s pretty simple. The club is in debt and it needs money to repay the loan the owners made. Football is football but a football club is a business entity and executive decisions have to be made for the benefit of the business. In the past month, two of the world’s biggest clubs, AC Milan and Man Utd have been forced to part with two of their greatest assets, Kaka and Ronaldo respectively. Liverpool fans, don’t get too happy yet. The Kop is just in much debt as the aforementioned clubs, you might see Gerrard and Torres sold in the near future as well.

Back to Ronaldo. As a United fan, it’s quite disheartening and sometimes downright irritating watching him play recently. His petulance, arrogance and childishness is conduct unbecoming of any player looking to become a legend in the game. I remember when he was subbed against Man City and he threw a tantrum for it. Fergie might have publicly announced he’s okay with it. But fans knew that Ronaldo days were numbered. Just as how Tevez’s insolence in cupping his ears in front of the bench after scoring in the same game and his comments about how United would have won the Champions League final against Barca had he started. Let’s get real, United could have fielded any possible team in that game and Barca would still have won it. Let’s not even talk about the pouting Ronaldo did in that game. A fantastic player he is but he needs to add some class to his personality.

Personally I am more worried about the day when Fergie finally decides to call time on his stellar career. That man has shown that he is capable of rebuilding teams to ensure that United dominates the English game time and time again. When Cantona left, people thought we were done. Same thing when Beckham, van Nistelrooy and Keane left the team. Still, Fergie has proved time and time again that United is bigger than any single player. I am certain the team will cope with the loss of Ronaldo. It may not be immediate but it will happen.

With a void on the right side of midfield, who will step in? Rumours are abound that United will bid for Ribery. Having his good friend Evra in the team might entice him. I think Madrid will bid for that guy as well. Imagine a midfield of Kaka, Ronaldo and Ribery supporting striker Huntelaar. Wow, fantasy football. I wonder how the current midfielders in Madrid are coping with all the competition. At least two regular midfielders would have to leave. I think Lassana Diarra is safe, being the defensive cog of the midfield. Bye bye Robben and van der Vaart…

Let’s assume that Fergie won’t be able to bring anyone in. The candidates are:
1) Park Ji-Sung: A tireless worker. Crowd favourite. Effective but doesn’t have the individual brilliance that Ronaldo has.
2) Luis Nani: Great things were expected of him when he came into the team. Great first season. Quiet second season. TIme to step up?
3) Owen Hargreaves – He can play there. If only he weren’t injured.
4) Wayne Rooney: Fergie has played him on the left. Maybe by switching him to the right, the left could be made free for…
5) ZORAN TOSIC: Nobody remembers this Serbian boy. He has been earning rave reviews for his performances in the reserves. Maybe Fergie is ready to unearth another prodigy. Let’s not forget…
6) ADEM LLAJIC: The other player who was bought together with Tosic. They were the only January purchases. They are unknowns back then. But do you remember who was the last Serbian January purchase Fergie made?

Nemanja Vidic. We all know how that turned out right?

Based on the current United team, I would like to see this team fighting for honours.

Goalkeeper: Ben Foster – give him more game time, van der Sar to be phased out.

Right Back: Wes Brown – time to put injury nightmare behind him.
Centre Back: Rio Ferdinand – duh..
Centre Back: Nemanja Vidic – double duh…
Left Back: Patrice Evra – is there any other contender?

Right Midfield: Park Ji-Sung – give him an extended run. We need his energy.
Centre Midfield: Michael Carrick – Solid.
Centre Midfield: Anderson – Promising.
Left Midfield: Nani – I think he has much to offer. Plus he and Park and interchange.

Forward: Wayne Rooney – come on, he’s a striker. Enough already.
Forward: Dimitar Berbatov – Berba will prove his critics wrong the next season.

Subs:
Tomas Kucszak
Johnny Evans
Darren Gibson
Owen Hargreaves
Kiko Macheda

This is still a young team but it is still a strong team. That said, I wouldn’t mind having Benzema and Ribery in the team. Then again, maybe Fergie has another surprise in store. Remember the year he bought Dwight Yorke from Villa?

So it finally happened.. I did my knee again.. Damn it was so frustrating.. It was nothing really.. I tried to nick the ball from the striker, he beat me to it, I turned to chase him, the next thing I know, I felt the knee snap (twice) and I was rolling about on the floor.. The grass tasted better this time around though.. The pain was familiarly excruciating.. I remember looking up at Jaz and Azhar and shaking my head..

“I’m done.” (in more ways than one, hey that rhymes!)

As I sat at the sidelines and watch my comrades battle away, my entire left leg went numb. It felt different this time.. This was bad. I remembered the lines in Roy Keane’s autobiography that I read recently.

“When you are injured, you become a nobody. You become useless.”

Gosh, I understood what it meant.. I’ve felt it many times before..

After the game was over, I tried my best to wrap my knee up.. I trudged back to the field where the team was having its post-match discussion.. I couldn’t help but feel a little detached from proceedings.. As Jaz talked about the team direction and the new jerseys we were getting, I felt distant. As if I were a thousand miles away, watching him through a really strong telescope.

Abang Sani suggested that I stayed at the bus stop so that he could bring the car around and pick me up. No way. Even in injury, my pride was too strong. I battled on, one inch at a time, as friends came to tell me how sorry they were. Trying to pick me up and give me suggestions on how to recover. I am grateful for the gesture but in times like that, little can make you feel better.

It would have been wise for me to head straight home and get some rest.. but wisdom is one of those things that I lack when football is concerned. We must have our post-game dinner! We must! We headed to Yishun..

As I looked around the table, I realized that I was accompanied by people who really mattered to me in Redbacks. Jaz and Aki, two guys who have walked this journey with me for so long.. Abang Sani who I admire and respect for his longevity and positive approach to the game.. Azhar, a captain who I respect for his passion and generosity in sharing knowledge and advice.. Aidil and Irwan, two guys that I can relate to and connect with even though I don’t spend much time with them.. I wouldn’t have wanted to share my post-match dinner with anyone else.. Especially when it could very well be my last..

When I got home, it was all quiet.. My folks were turning in.. Allah bless Abang Sani for helping send me back home. As I laid in bed, I thought about the events that transpired a few hours before.. I rubbed my knee, hoping for a miracle.. Perhaps I’d be blessed with Wolverine-like healing abilities and when I wake up the next day, I’ll be good as new..

Woke up with a super stiff knee.. Limped to the shower and pretty much everywhere else.. Got SMSes from Yun and Jaz at about the same time.. Jaz’s sms was typical him, “How’s the knee? Getting replacements at Mustafa?” I wish there were dude.. Going there with you the other time was a blast.. They have everything.. Everything except human body parts? Then again, how would I know? It’s not like I asked.. Maybe they had a secret stash somewhere.. With people trading kidneys these days, anything is possible.

Went to see the doctor to get medical leave.. Was supposed to attend workshop in school today.. Looks like I got my wish.. But the price I paid was a little expensive.. Yun followed me.. She’s such an angel.. I was being whiny and stubborn but she gamely took all of it in, and she gave back some.. I just love that woman.. We went to Causeway Point afterwards to buy a reusable ice-pack.. Cannot forget the look she gave me when I told her I wanted to catch a movie.. It said, “Are you out of your mind?!”

As I dragged myself home, we ran into my mum.. Well, we were not really running, I couldn’t even walk properly.. More like bumped.. Although we did not actually physically bump into my mum, we were like.. oh well, you get what I mean.. So that was the first time my mum met my darling.. By chance.. I hope Yun wasn’t too spooked by the whole ordeal.. If she was, she hid it perfectly.. She seemed comfortable around my mum.. Yun waved me goodbye at the bus interchange as mother and son headed back home.. “She’s not coming?” asked my mum.. Next time, Mak.. Next time she will…

On the bus, my mum and I talked.. She was telling me about how her course was going.. She was impressed with the bits of motivation that the trainers were inserting into the lessons.. She wished she had such education earlier in life.. She would have lived life a bit differently.. Well, belated wisdom is better than prolonged cluelessness.. I thought of my life.. Am I making a difference in the way people think just like how the trainer has made an impact in my mum’s life? So many questions..

Such a relief to be back home.. The knee was killing me.. Good to be able to relax and rest the knee.. By this time, I still have not decided what to do with it.. Need the swelling to subside first.. Then we’ll get back to recovering.. But will I be playing for Redbacks again? Never say never.. I don’t want to think about that first.. I need to get better first.. Then we’ll see how it goes.. It doesn’t look good but regardless of what happens next, I had a good run in this game..

From starting the game at 10 years old (yeah, late beginning).. becoming the star striker for the C Division team in AMKSS.. to becoming Maldini’s clone in the B Division team.. Flamboyant.. Stamford.. Footballing education at Changkat CSC.. Improving as a player and impressing at Tanjong Pagar and Balestier.. A few social teams and finally being one of the founding members of Redbacks.. It has been one hell of a ride..

The best part: the friendships forged, bonds built and memories immortalized..

I hope my footballing story is not over.. But sometimes you have to put your hands up and admit that enough is enough..

One step at a time.. First, I walk. Then, I run..

Next, only Allah knows….

Between sitting in a lecture and playing football on a Friday night, I think the choice is pretty clear. I am very relieved that classes at SIM have ended. Although that means I have to start studying for my exams. As I was marking exam papers at school, I glanced nervously at my watch as the minutes ticked away. It was already six o’clock and it seems we were nowhere near the end. I hurriedly completed my duty and excused myself from work. I did not even change when I reached home. Just packed my stuff and headed straight out. In my haste, I inevitably forgot to take my spare pair of spectacles, forcing me to depend on my $350 pair of Police spectacles for the game. No heading for me.

Traffic was a killer and I arrived close to seven in the evening. Only Wak was there. I was surprised to a certain extent. It seems like we were starting even later these days. As we chatted, the troops filed in and soon the crowd grew. I borrowed Boy’s newspaper and found an article that truly sparked some memories from within me.

It was not an actual article. It was the Letter of the Week section of the New Paper. I used to contribute a lot to the section but my busy schedule and a loss of interest caused me to stop writing in anymore. The Question of the Week was really interesting this time. They were talking about whether football hard men still had a part to play in the modern game. Gosh, I would have been the ultimate authority on this topic, just like how Jaz’s letter on the topic regarding playmakers earned him the Letter of the Week prize. Reading the responses drew all sorts of emotions and thinking on my part. A lot of the writers felt that players such as Roy Keane and Patrick Vieira are no longer relevant and they are viewed as footballing evil men bent on destroying everything that is beautiful about the game.

I would be first to admit that Keane and Vieira were two of my idols growing up, especially when I was playing as a defensive midfielder a few years ago. To me, it’s not about being dirty, but about the spirit and winning attitude that these two gentlemen bring. It’s no coincidence that they were captains of their team, always wearing the badge on their sleeves. Not afraid to get stuck in and inspiring the team with their drive and determination. At the same time, there is this mean streak about them that often strikes fear in the hearts of opposing players. So imagine when the two men face each other in the rectangular field. It’s not fireworks that are sparked off, it’s a whole f#$%ing war!

As I grew up and played with various teams and players, I naturally picked up some “skills” that were quite simply described as malicious. I always liked playing with older guys. I loved to punch above my weight (although it would be a great challenge to punch someone “above my weight” these days, literally). Through my interactions with these players, I find myself being pull aside by some big brother figure and he would take the time to point out to me the “finer points” of the game. There was always someone willing to share something with me and I was the ever-willing student.

I remember playing for Flamboyant FC, a side spear-headed by a rotund brother-in-law of one of my neighbourhood pals. We formed a Flamboyant Junior side made up of dudes from the hood. Of course, Jaz was in the team as well. Heck, he was even made captain. Just shows you the competency of the head. It’s almost impossible for me to play in a team without Jaz, such is the “enjoyment” of having him around in the team. In between Junior matches, some of us would be asked to play with the senior guys, who were not that active anyway. Towards the disbandment on the Flamboyant Junior team, I turned out frequently for the Seniors and after matches, I would hang around with them and listen to all sorts of lewd tales of high jinx and malarkey. At the same time, they would teach me of the unseen things that happen on the football pitch. Things that would really hurt people. I was a little hesitant at first but when they said, “If you don’t do this to others, they will do it to you.” Somehow that made sense in the mind of a young teenager.

The Scissors Tackle. The Follow-through Clearance. The Knee-in-the-Back. The Crotch Kick. The Shirt Pull. Those were just some of the skills I learned and put to practice in my games. I was a striker in those days and learning about those skills helped me protect myself. I really believed that was the case. Soon, I slowly moved down the field and became a defender and I began exacting such measures on my opponents.

It was pretty cool during those testosterone-fueled days. I would actively seek out the most skillful of opponents and try to take him out. Especially those over-indulgent dribblers, flashy types who had golden brown hair. Oh, a cutie-pie of a face was an added bonus! I had this belief, one shared by many fellow hard men.

“You can beat me with your fancy skill once, maybe twice. But the third time you try it, you’ll be wishing you didn’t.”

Who cares about the ball? I just wanted to hurt the bugger for trying to be cheeky one time too many. It was even better when you came up against a player like yourself who was putting the hurt on your teammates. I was especially incensed when the receiving party was a teammate who I had a liking too. Jaz would fall into this category. He was the ballerina of the team. The twinkle-toes with laser sight. The schemer. Mr. Playmaker. It made him a natural target for rough treatment. Furthermore, Jaz was very mild back then. He would never be dirty to opponents. He was Mr. Gentleman. Note my use of past tense!

When someone clattered to him, I made it personal. “You hurt my friend, you hurt me. Prepare for pain!” said the voices in my head. The next thing you know, the offender is rolling in the dirt, squealing in pain. The referee would be in my face and I would just feign confusion, asking, “How can that be a foul?”

There was even verbal bantering between the hard men. Words such as “You watch out”, “You just wait” and “Watch your back” were commonplace on the pitch. It was a battle between two bulls and fortunately for me, I have always come out on tops, thanks to the education I received from the many wise men. I was more prepared, lucky and Allah did not want to punish me for my wrongdoings yet.

I carried the hard man tag with me until my Redbacks stint until finally, I was struck with THE knee injury. Gosh, not that story again Kai. But seriously, the injury was the first time I thought of all those people who I intentionally hurt. The most poignant fact of all was that nobody tackled me. I went over my own knee. However, did I play that game with the intention of hurting my opponents. I sure did but at least my intentions were good. I wanted my team to win! I hope my pupils won’t be reading this.

I don’t do it these days. But the skills I learned has helped protect me against some nasty challenges recently. I recognize such players and I realize it’s better to lose the ball than lose my leg. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that I admire the football hard men. People like Keane, Vieira and of course the king of hard men, Vinnie Jones will earn my admiration. Not for the pain that they bring to the game, but for the passion and spirit that they bring to the team.

I’ve been feeling a little disgruntled lately.. Don’t we all sometimes? SA1 exams are coming next week. Coincidentally, so are my own SIM exams. I have been struggling to ensure that I finish the syllabus before then.. Not to mention I have my own studying to do… I have been moving at about 100 km/h lately and I’m at the stage where I am doing things for the sake of it.. Inevitably, that magic question pops up in my head: “What am I doing all this for?”

This year has been tough. Is it just me or are my pupils really challenging this year? Besides having 41 hyperactive pupils who seem to be possessed by some sort of unearthly beings everytime they are in the classroom, the volume of work expected of them is simply ridiculous. They are in Primary 3 and the amount of books, worksheets and projects that they have to complete is simpy “outstanding”. I can see the spirit dying in some of the pupils and it pains me to see that there’s nothing much I can do about it except continuously feeding the work to them without any mercy.

This is not what I signed up for. I wanted to help these kids become useful individuals to society, not turn them into efficient, lifeless zombies that we are currently churning out to great effect. Sometimes I wonder how I would fare in our current education system if I were still in school. A lot is expected of the pupils these days and at times I feel they act up because they are stressed out at what is expected of them. It is really tough to see pupils who struggle to catch up, experiencing failure after failure. I’ve been trying all sorts of measures to help stem the slide but the more they try, the more they slide.

For the first time in recent times, I question my ability as a teacher. Have I become a bad educator overnight? What am I doing wrong? I have always enjoyed planning and executing unique, engaging and creative lessons for my pupils’ learning and enjoyment. However, I have not been able to carry out such lessons lately because I am so focused on completing the syllabus that I steam forward without considering whether my pupils understand what is being taught. The words uttered to me by my colleagues still ring in my ear: “Finish the syllabus. Cover your backside so that the parents cannot say that you did not teach the pupil well.”

Does merely completing the requirement equate to teaching the pupil? Does that mean we just go through motions without considering those who cannot cope with the rigorous demands of modern day education? Shall we continue moulding elite students and accept those who fall by the way side as acceptable losses? Do I do what is expected so that I continue maintaining a credible performance grade, thus avoiding my rice bowl to be disrupted?

Disillusioned, demoralized and unmotivated. That is what I’ve been feeling lately, causing me to almost drag myself to work for the first time eversince I took the oath to become a teacher. I came to a realization that I have become the very teacher that I vowed not to become.

However, yesterday, I sat down and thought about the reasons why I do things in life.

Why did I choose to become a teacher?
To make a difference in the life of others and mould them to become exemplary, morally upright, resilient and intelligent individuals who will be assets to their families and society at large.

Why did I choose to take up my Bachelors?
To open up my mind and attain a higher level of intelligence. To attain a new perspective and in the process, elevate myself to a higher purpose and existence to benefit myself and those who live around me.

Through my thoughts, I realize that I have lost focus of what I want in life. I have been so caught up in routine that I forget to tap on the reasons that motivate me to do what I do. I remember telling myself a few years back that life will be tough and it will be challenging. However, I did make a vow to myself that I will see it through and complete the journey, no matter how hard it gets. I stopped focusing on the wrong things that are going on and instead, I looked at the positives, no matter how small and insignificant they may appear.

This day, I went to school full of purpose and with a renewed sense of hope. Things around me may not change anytime soon and the powers at be may not get the real picture in the near future, but as an individual I can be an agent of change. By readjusting my mind and with a prayer to Allah Almighty, things clicked into gear today. The pupils were better behaved. I achieved more things in class and work was a breeze. It was no longer a chore. Coincidence? Or is it the power of the mind playing its part.

One thing for sure, I’m ready to step forward into the future and I believe I can.

I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky.
I think about it every night and day. Spread my wings and fly away.
I believe I can soar. I see me running through that open door.
I believe I can fly. I believe I can fly.

I believe I can fly!

Finally, after many years of absence, the Sports Day finally return to Evergreen Primary School. The last time Sports Day was held, I was not even in the teaching career. I heard many stories of the event. Sports Days are usually a magical and unforgettable event. I should know. I have been part of some great spectacles myself.

Since Singapore will be hosting the Asian Youth Games this year and the Youth Olympic Games the next, the school decided to re-introduce the event to the school calendar. Why it has been absent for the past years, nobody knows. However, it is often attributed to a certain man sitting in the biggest office in school. I suppose the Prince of Darkness often works in the strangest of ways.

The school was thus separated into 5 Houses. Blue Sharks, Green Gators, Yellow Hornets, Purple Cheetas and Red Eagles. We wanted to use the Olympic colours but the colour black was excluded as it was considered morbid. Initially, the key appointment holders in the school were supposed to be the House Masters, but due to the expected busier-than-ever schedule this year, the honour was given to the PE teachers instead. I was approached to be the House Master. I accepted with immense trepidation. Almost 2 years into the job, I still felt relatively green. Since there was no other choice, I took it up but only if the House is Red!

For many weeks, the House practiced to prepare for the big day. The biggest challenge for me was to organize and delegate duties to my fellow teachers. I wondered how they would take orders from an upstart. Alhamdullilah, the teachers were very cooperative and enthusiastic about the entire project. Without them, it would have been mission impossible. I cannot thank them enough. Some people stand out. Soffian, Celine and Ashley at Training. Muryani at Banner and Doris, Juliana and Mariam at Cheer & Mascot. I’d have to say that Sports Day at this time is a whole different ball game than when I was in school!

As the weeks went by, everything shaped up pretty well. The athletes were ready and the cheer and banner were coming along nicely. There were little hiccups but I had my organization skills challenged when I had to manage multiple queries and matters at the same time. Alhamdullilah, I could keep my cool (or was it ignorance?). By the time Sports Day came about, we were ready.

Points gathered from completed events meant that my House was on top of the standings before the Day started. 30+ points ahead of our nearest rival, could we maintain our lead and emerge House champions? Being the paranoid, statistic freak that I am, I was up last night counting figures when I should have been studying for my upcoming exams instead! It did not look good. I had the least number of finalists compared to the other houses. Imagine having a healthy lead in a football league and your closest rivals having 6-8 games in hand? Could they really rack up the points and knock us off our perch?

The first events of the day were the 400m finals for all the levels. My House really found our niche in the longer distance events. I think we snagged 4 out of 6 golds on offer. But when the 200m, 100m and the 4×100m relay events came along, things began to go downhill as my runners began to fall behind and the lead became smaller. My Red House then stepped up for the Parent-Teacher 8×50m Race. Oh my, what a spectacle that was. Parents fell over themselves as they tried to get their bodies into motion. It was hard for me to contain my smile as I saw our competitors fall but the smile soon faded as the runner before me stumbled halfway through his run. Somehow he managed to gather himself and handed the baton to me. By this time, we were in second place with my colleague, Yap, about 10m ahead of me.

Time for the question I’ve been asking myself, “Can I still sprint?” Having seen my relay teams obliterated by the Blue House, I was unwilling to let this race slip. I pedalled as hard as I could. Felt my knee shaking a bit. I urged my body to go faster and faster and eventually, I caught up with Yap. We’re back in it. Then, the unexpected happened. The Green House (Yap’s House) messed up their baton exchange and I took the chance to retake the advantage. The race was full of thrills and spills and thankfully, my team didn’t spill anything after retaking the lead. By the time Soffian got the baton, I knew the win was ours. There was no way anyone could catch up to that man. I would have loved to be the one to carry the baton across the finishing line, but I wanted him to have him. I think he is the true House Master with his enthusiasm and energy. After all, it’s all about the team. My prize? A gold trophy which now stands proudly among my collection.

By the end of the day, my worst fears were realized. Blue House pipped us to the title by 14 points. We got 3rd for our cheers and banners. It was harsh considering the effort the pupils and the teachers put in. In fact, I felt it was unfair. Then again, it’s natural for me to think that way. I’m sure all the other Houses felt the same about their results too. Gosh, I hate losing. However, the better House won and for me, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons to improve on for next year. One lesson that I learned is that sometimes as decision makers, we need to make some that would disappoint others. For me, it was hard telling some of my athletes they did not make the relay team. I was on the phone with a parent who told me that the daughter was distraught at being swapped at the last minute due to a miscommunication and some sneaky acts by her teammates. That’s the worst feeling really, giving disappointment to others. I want to rectify those mistakes. I must. That is, if I get to remain as House Master.

All in all, I’m thankful and glad to be a part of the entire process. They say that second place is the first loser. They’re right. However, the better team won and I accept my defeat with dignity and respect. All the Red Eagles did well and I am so proud to be their leader. The Bald Eagle. Or should I say the Balding Eagle. We’ll be back next year! Watch out Sharks! We’re gunning for your title next year!

The sky looks dark once again. Seems to happen a lot on Sunday lately. Another day of soccer scuppered? Perhaps. Any reason to be frustrated? Well, if you’re the type who are not patient with Allah’s will, you could be. I rather look for the blessing in disguise. No soccer would mean a day of relaxation at home with my parents. I would be able to finish the second draft of my exam paper that I needed to submit last Thursday. Gosh, so many changes. I wonder if I can finish it on time? Taking a break now. My eyes are really tired from staring at the screen.

Wanted to blog last night before I went to bed. There were things that happened that pushed some buttons in me. Good way or bad way, I’m not sure. To be honest, I forgot about what I felt last night but it was mainly made up of insecurity and fear. Sometimes when I think of what happened to me in the past, it brings me a lot of pain. I swear that when I think of my past these days, I feel a physical pain in my chest. Is this what people meant when they said you could die of a broken heart?

What is it about the past that have people clinging on to them? Why is it such a powerful part of a person. I’ve seen people paralyzed by their past, unable to move on with their lives. I’ve encountered people who use the words, “My past is too painful for me to forget.” Why do people subject themselves to such pain and deny themselves the chance for something truly moving and magical?

Human beings are a complicated bunch. You can never have any individual person figured out, no matter how long you’ve known them. Desire and emotions are just some of the unique traits that make us who we are.

As such, I’m thankful for the life I have now. I’m generally happy. I am still relatively healthy. My parents are healthy too and we are not troubled with debt. I still have a job in these tough times. It still allows me to play a significant role in the development of young minds. I have friends who colour my life in so many different ways. I have Yun, who brings me so much joy and happiness that it is hard for me to really describe in words how much she means to me. I just hope in my little ways, she feels what I feel.

My body is still shivering from the shock. I just got home from work. At about 6.20pm, I was almost knocked down by a pick-up truck, on purpose. I was travelling in the middle lane and switched to the right lane so that I could turn right at the next junction. I checked my blind spot, I switched on my signal light and I made the switch. After a few seconds of going into the right lane, I heard some horning behind me. I looked into my rear view mirror and glanced back. I saw the truck travelling fast but experience convinced me that the driver still had time to slow down. I was turning right after all and it wouldn’t make sense for me to switch back into the middle lane.

The driver continued hornin incessantly. By then, he had became irritating. I continued on with my journey. Then, something jangled my nerves. I felt something nudging against my back and my neck and the bike started to skid. At that moment I knew that it was the pick-up. A quick look behind confirmed it. I managed to keep my cool and more importantly, my bike under control. The driver backed off, he must have felt that he had scared me enough and he did scare me. At the junction, I composed myself and then I turned behind to gesture to the driver what in the world was he doing. The driver, a man in his late 30s or early 40s, just flashed me the most disgusting, sadistic smile in the world and gestured back as if nothing happened.

By then I was seething and many thoughts flashed through my mind. I thought of the people that mattered to me. My parents, family, darling, best friend. In that short moment, I contemplated leaving them prematurely. After that I saw myself bashing the driver’s face into a bloody pulp. I breathed in deeply and soon reasoned that such an act would definitely be unwise, regardless of how much he deserved it. I remembered advising my pupils that it doesn’t matter who started the fight or who retaliated. A wrong act once committed, is punishable. Won’t do me any favour if I got a criminal record. In the end, I decided to let it pass and continue on with my journey home.

As I walked home, I asked myself, “Should I let that man get away with what he did?” When I got home and I saw my parents, it dawned upon me what could have happened. Maybe I’m being a little melodramatic, but I know that had I fell, it would have been a disaster. A slippery road, cars all around, not to mention the offending truck who was just behind me. Anything could have happened. Thus, I decided to go to the nearby police post to make a report.

What did the officer make of it? “I think you should report this to the Traffic Police. There is nothing much I can do. However, do take note if your complaint is taken up to court, you have to prove your case that the driver intended to knock you down intentionally.” Yeah. I kinda expected him to say that. I was on the phone with my brother, whom is an Investigating Officer with the SPF, asking him on what would be my best course of action. The officer just gave me the email to lodge my complaint and I headed home.

Now, I don’t really know what I should do. I have calmed down a little. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Maybe I’ll just let it be. Be thankful to Allah because I am still blessed to survive such an ordeal. Trust Allah will be the one who will pass His judgment upon those who deserves it in His eyes. Either way, this incident has given me much to think about.

This has been a pretty bad 2 weeks for Manchester United fans. Following the 4-1 drubbing my Liverpool, Fulham inflicted more damage by beating the Red Devils 2-0. I caught both games and the thought running through my head was, “What’s going on?” The team is barely recognizable and the previously impregnable defence has looked as shaky as Newcastle’s! At this rate, anyone can score against United. Damn it, even Bobby “it’s easier to score than to miss” Zamora looked as threatening as Thierry Henry that day. WTF?

Are the players crumbling to the pressure of the possibility of winning the Quintuplet? Heck man, don’t they remember that Chelsea themselves were on the verge of a quadruple last season before letting everything slip through their fingers? Are the Devils getting too complacent? Looking at the recent line-ups, I suppose people can say that. But with the talent in the squad, any team United put out should be good enough to win any game. Then, there are also some conspiracy theorists who insist that the EPL, like any other major league in the world, is rigged. What do I say to that? If it were true, it would be one major con job, involving thousands of players and officials. But who are we to say that it is not possible? Football is a multi-billion, perhaps trillion dollar industry. With so much money at stake, anything is possible. Personally, I just hope the Red Devils wake up from this setback. With Liverpool firing on all cylinders, Manchester United cannot afford another slip-up. Heck, let Chelsea win it, but not Liverpool. To all my friends who are Liverpool fans who might be reading this, no offence ok. Like Rooney said, “I was brought up to hate Liverpool”. I respect the team, but I definitely don’t like them.

For the first time ever, a Redbacks game ended in a mass brawl. As things were getting really hot and spicy on the pitch, I was just sitting at the sidelines, stunned at the events unfolding. I contemplated running onto the pitch to get involved but I was still respecting the laws of the game too much, knowing that any invasion would just make matters worse. What is it about football that reduces men to neanderthals? We can be so cultured, educated and civilised but when we’re doing battle on the pitch, our deepest most animal instincts take control. It really soured the evening.

We were playing pretty well, despite trailing. I guess some people would say that the Spiders are just a bunch of sore losers. I don’t really care about what others have to say. The fact remains: we did not overreact, we did not last out at our opponents, we tried to diffuse the matter. What we are guilty of is that we failed to keep someone’s mouth shut. Regrettable, but that happens.

Taking a page out of Aki’s book, at least I scored. No, this doesn’t mean that I put my personal achievement above my team. I’m just really happy that I managed to break my goalless streak. Before the game, Azam asked me if I was comfortable playing upfront. I just answered, “Wherever you put me, I’m ready.” Steady ah Kai. Before kick-off, I told Ayyub that I dreamt I scored in a football game. And true enough I did. Thank you Yusman for providing a peach of a cross. I always feel that we don’t put in enough of such crosses into the box for me to exploit. I enjoyed the goal. This is possibly my best headed goal ever, apart from the one I scored for Flamboyant back in my teenage years. I hope there will be many more to come. 4 down, 11 more to go to hit my target. With 8 months left, insyaAllah I’ll achieve it.

The King strikes again!

To all football lovers, never lose the passion!